I wished...
by Reve
Summary: Slashy. Dib inwardly worries about a wish he made and thoughts he had concerning Zim...


Author : Reve [sesshoumaruchan@aol.com]  
Rating : PG-13... definite romantic content of the slash kind, and implied stuff, but nothing graphic, really...  
Fandom : 'Invader Zim'  
Pairings : Zim/Dib  
Sidenotes : I am quite aware of Jhonen Vasquez's aversion to Zimmy slash, but.... hmmmm.... sorry? _O Oh, I know another thing I want to say. This might be strange-ish... mostly because my stuff usually is, but also because the idea sort of came out of a dream. Yeah... And it's written in a sort of... free-verse poem-ish form. Grrr, silence unto meeeee. :X  
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Invader Zim and its characters do not belong to me at all, and I'm not trying to imply that they do in any way by writing this. I'm not making any money or anything... I'm just using the ideas and characters for inspiration.  
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*I wished*  
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I can't stop thinking  
as I walk down the street  
to find you.  
I can't stop my mind from  
lulling itself into a  
guilty sort of  
reminiscent daydream. Day.  
Even though the sky is dark now.  
  
What would you say?  
If I told you what my mind is doing  
What would you think?  
I can't help but  
smile just a little bit,  
looking down at my feet,  
as I realize I always ask myself  
that very same question.  
And that whenever you  
find out about what I'm not telling you-  
which you always do, somehow  
-you just smile and mark it down to  
the fact that I'm a little too human.  
A little too much.  
  
But I do.  
I wonder if you would be angry  
If you could live through my eyes  
And see my thoughts  
from the inside out.  
What would you do?  
Would I be too weak for you, then?  
Because I know without a doubt  
that I'm not as strong as you think.  
Not anything near as good.  
  
I close my stinging eyes against the  
dark, invisible gusts of wind,  
and wrap my coat around myself  
as I see your house coming into view.  
Can't stop the corners of my  
cool, neglected lips  
from turning up at the corners  
when I think about seeing you again.  
Yet can't ignore the heated  
feeling of nagging shame  
that I feel tugging at my insides.  
Because I was weak.  
And you are always so strong.  
  
Looming in my already declining mind  
driving me to a new, uncontrolled plane  
was a ghost of something we both wanted  
more than this broken life itself  
So mangled.  
And I let it out.  
I'd pay you for a portion of your  
morals and your will, if I could.  
Because I am always so weak.  
You would have pushed it away.  
  
But I embraced it...  
...embraced you, in my mind.  
And I've lost count of how many times  
words of love have passed between us  
casual and affectionate and melancholy...  
It's been so long  
You've taken all I've wanted to give you.  
Except one thing.  
That hidden taboo, on a level  
so different than the emotional one, which  
we overcame long ago, with satisfied grins  
and amazed laughter  
and a lot of pretty words.  
  
But no contact.  
I bite my lip and stare at your house  
which steps closer to me  
every time I step closer to it.  
Blink wide eyes behind my glasses,  
and tangle myself in my coat again.  
No contact- I've never even touched your hand.  
Is it because we're so different?  
I almost feel like laughing...  
According to everyone else  
we shouldn't be together  
because we're the same-  
we're both boys  
-but I wish they could see...  
the way I can't touch you because the  
unspoken creed between us  
tells me we're far too different  
to touch and share.  
No matter how much I wonder.  
  
I do wonder.  
And I hope you won't be angry  
that I wished upon a star;  
last night when the sky was dark  
just like this.  
I never would have, I promise...  
...but again, I know, I'm so weak.  
Last night when the sky was dark,  
I sat there loving you  
all alone.  
Turning the world over and  
over in my head.  
Growing bitter at the difference  
and touching my fingertips  
to the cold pane of my window.  
Wishing  
-and unbelieving of myself-  
to the first star I saw  
through blurry eyes  
that you could be like me.  
That you could be just like me.  
I wished for your humanity.  
And then I dreamt about it.  
  
Now I stand in front of your house  
breathing in and feeling my cheeks burning.  
Because I was weaker than you think.  
And desire really didn't help the situation-  
just betrayed me, yet again...  
willing thoughts of you into my  
already reeling mind.  
And thoughts of your voice-  
calm at times to a degree   
I never would have guessed  
three or four years ago  
-whispering to me so quietly...  
but loud enough for me to hear  
since you were so close.  
Thoughts of your hands,  
not covered by thick black leather,  
and making their way across my  
blushing face and tilted neck.   
So many thoughts I want to take it back, now.  
Thoughts of you, unashamed of our  
Eternally restrictive differences,  
pressing warm, pink-colored lips  
against my own waiting mouth...  
and a bare, human-shaped  
pale flushed peach-tinted  
chest against my cloth-covered one-  
your arms wrapped around my shoulders  
and tangled in my messy hair  
without a second thought.  
Desire controlled the thoughts,  
I swear.  
I don't know what to tell you.  
  
I wished upon a star  
For you to be like me.  
  
And now, I slip into your house...  
the air so warm in contrast  
to the cold wind outside.  
I lick my dry lips.  
Everything is so quiet.  
I guess you must have lost track of time  
working on some experiment or another  
and forgotten I was supposed to come over.  
Which is just as well.  
For a moment, I catch my breath  
over and over...  
telling myself it's okay.  
And wondering what to say,  
because there's no real way to say it  
so that it doesn't sound  
completely stupid and weak.  
Telling myself  
-just a reminder, Dib-  
not to touch. And it will be okay.  
Because it always has been.  
And I'm lucky to have anything like this.  
  
Sighing in the familiar scent of your house,  
I wander through strange rooms and passages  
you've shown me over the years  
no longer afraid of me exposing you.  
And eventually...  
I hear you call my name in that  
calm voice you have, sort of.  
It sounds almost nervous, though, and I  
blink, turning to find you in this  
tangled, wonderful maze  
that is your home here on Earth.  
  
And there you are, suddenly,  
when I've found my way...  
looking just as nervous as you sounded,  
which wasn't too much.   
Just a little.  
And I stop breathing, just standing there  
and looking through the  
dusky light of this room  
at you.  
Thin, bare ankles crossed and long legs together,  
you sit on a sort of strange bed thing.  
Sort of like a chair, which doesn't matter. Just you.  
I see your beautiful, wide crimson eyes  
Opened round and glinting in this strange silvery light,  
and your long, slender antennae delicately folded back  
just slightly, so the tips curl under.  
My heart is having problems  
as I'm helplessly quiet, my own eyes closing a little  
and falling to your narrow, subtle shoulders  
which are bunched up a little.  
The pale, silvery green color of your skin  
Is like a beacon in this room, so  
shockingly beautiful... the lines of your  
collarbone and chest seeming to flow, almost,  
like freeze-frame streams of water  
to every other part of you,  
so petite and... fragile in a strange sort of way  
that a human could never be  
because you still look so strong...  
And as you whisper my name   
in an even more nervous tone than before,  
I find myself starting to breathe again,  
Slowly... but breathing.  
And then... notice your bare, delicate hands  
with their long, spindly fingers  
folded in your lap and clasped anxiously together.  
And I realize, then, that you are worried, too.  
About what I'll say... and think... and do....  
that you're worried that I won't  
want to touch you, because of the differences.  
Those differences....  
I can't take my softened eyes  
off of your smooth-looking, radiant green skin...  
the long, thin limbs...  
Your difference was always there,  
through every choice we made  
and every word we said.  
And it was nothing you could ever change  
nor something I'd want transformed.  
  
And I don't need to question that  
as I close the space between us,  
and hear your breath rush out too...  
so you aren't holding anything in anymore,  
like you must have been, though I didn't know it.  
And we're breathing together.  
And this time, neither of us are weak.  
We're nothing but together  
and I could never wish  
for anything more... 


End file.
